Rebuilding a full life after walking away from organized religion

While previous research has shown a steep decline in religion in America, more recent surveys show the decline is leveling off. Still, according to a February 2025 Pew Research Study, 35% of U.S. adults have switched or left religion since childhood, leading to an increase in the religiously unaffiliatedopens in new window. As a result, many therapists find themselves helping patients to rebuild lives outside of a religious tradition.

The 2025 Pew study shows that after rising for decades, the number of religiously unaffiliated has at least temporarily stabilized. A 2021 Gallup poll found that since 1973, the percentage of Americans who say they have no religion had increased from 5% to 22%. The percentage of Americans who say they’re members of a church, mosque, or synagogue fell from 70% in 1999 to just 45% in 2023. This steep decline, according to Gallup, includes people of all ages, genders, and ethnicities.

For many, religion provides an important sense of meaning, belonging, and community, which can contribute positively to mental health and well-being. Some psychological research has associated religious practices with positive mental health outcomes and high scores on scales assessing self-esteem, self-efficacy, optimism, and hope (Levin, J., International Journal of Applied Psychoanalytic Studies, Vol. 7, No. 2, 2010opens in new window).

Yet, for some, religion has the opposite effect. Often, “religious dones,” or individuals departing from religion, choose to leave after experiencing mistreatment or abuse in the church or in the name of religion. Others cite a kind of cognitive dissonance as reason for leaving. “There can be a mismatch between a person’s identity or values and the values of their church,” said Daryl Van Tongeren, PhD, a professor of psychology at Hope College in Holland, Michigan, and author of Done: How to Flourish After Leaving Religion.

For example, a person who just received a cancer diagnosis may find their church’s view of suffering doesn’t make sense anymore. Or a person who finds a meaningful bond with a same-sex partner may leave if their church doctrine or fellow congregants discourage the union. The recent political climate may make these differences feel more pronounced, Van Tongeren said, which could be contributing to the recent uptick in religious dones. Cultural emphases on mental health and authenticity among younger generations could also play a role, along with the proliferation of social media, which may make leaving religion less isolating.

It can feel empowering to step away from religion, but rebuilding life after faith isn’t always easy. Religions with strict doctrines encourage members to socialize, work with, and marry other members, which can leave little room to include people outside their faith. When religious environments and doctrines cause harm, people often require a period of healing, said Marlene Winell, PhD, a clinical psychologist in Massachusetts who specializes in religious trauma. Post-religious people eventually form new beliefs about themselves and the world, but this can take time. “Religion has played a significant role in human life throughout history, and when people walk away from it, they often feel a sense of emptiness that needs to be filled,” said Van Tongeren.

One of the most difficult aspects is learning how to view oneself as a “good” person separate from religion. In fact, research shows that most people believe that faith is key to morality. But research also shows that religiosity does not equate to prosocial behavior, especially toward outsiders (Shariff, A. F., et al., Trends in Cognitive Sciences, Vol. 18, No. 9, 2014opens in new window).

Leaving can be even more costly for those who participated in a fundamentalist religion. “For some people, religion defines their identity, values, purpose, and behavior, and many of them are lacking important information about how to function in a different world context,” said Winell.

Some psychologists—many of whom are formerly religious themselves—specialize in spiritual reconstruction, or helping people build meaningful lives after leaving religion, and are stepping in to help people recover as they unlearn potentially harmful ways of thinking, reconstruct new beliefs, and find a renewed sense of purpose. On the following pages, read about the ways they’re supporting religious dones.

When someone has experienced trauma in the context of church or religion, psychologists can play a crucial role in recovery. Some patients may qualify for a diagnosis of post-traumatic stress disorder in the event of physical or sexual abuse, but religious trauma can often be insidious in other ways as well.

Certain religious beliefs can negatively impact people over time. For example, the doctrine of eternal conscious torment, which teaches that people who don’t believe or behave a certain way will go to hell after death, can cause long-lasting anxiety, while being taught you’re sinful can instill a profound sense of shame. In 2011, Winell coined the term “religious trauma syndrome” to describe these experiences (CBT Today, Vol. 39, No. 3, 2011). Rather than a formal diagnosis, the syndrome identifies a set of symptoms—such as anxiety, depression, or even flashbacks—that commonly affect current and former religious individuals.

Fundamentalist religious groups, which exert high control over congregants, can be particularly harmful to peoples’ mental health and well-being. “These groups often provide rigid rules for how to live and use manipulative tactics to keep people in a belief system,” said Arielle Marston, PsyD, a clinical psychologist in Arkansas who specializes in religious trauma. Some religious people feel trapped, as though they can’t leave their religion for fear of going to hell or being shunned by their community.

When working with people who have had negative religious experiences, Winell prioritizes validating her patients. Feeling heard and believed helps support the therapeutic relationship, which is key to healing, she said. Evidence-based modalities such as cognitive processing therapy can support religious trauma recovery, but treatment can also be individualized to support someone’s healing journey. Laura Anderson, PhD, LMFT, a psychotherapist in Nashville, Tennessee, who specializes in religious trauma, said many of her patients struggle to talk about their experiences early in that journey.

Her approach is to help patients build internal resources and coping skills—such as deep breathing or mindfulness techniques—that help them feel safe after experiencing a threatening environment. Once they learn self-regulation skills, they can more easily process their emotions and make choices according to their values, another important step in moving forward after religion.

Leaving organized religion, even when it ultimately leads to positive changes, can cause initial distress. Abandoning beliefs is scary, especially when someone derived their worth from going to church or associated God with eternal life. “Those are deep assumptions about oneself that go beyond religious doctrines,” said Winell.

Many people, according to Van Tongeren, feel guilt or grief about having “wasted” a portion of their lives following doctrine to which they no longer adhere. Others feel bad about leaving friends or family behind. In either case, psychological studies suggest that it can be helpful to forgive oneself and the religious community, correlating this sense of peace and acceptance with lower distress rates after leaving religion (Keller, Y., unpublished master’s thesis, Case Western Reserve University, 2024).

Psychologists can help patients work through forgiveness by using self-compassion to accept the role religion once played in their lives. “It’s easy for that critical voice to pop up, asking ‘Am I going to hell?’ ‘Why didn’t I figure this out earlier?’ ‘Why don’t I understand this?’” said Jared Warren, PhD, an associate professor of psychology at Brigham Young University and clinical psychologist in private practice. “We want to teach patients the skill of self-compassion, or treating themselves with kindness and gentleness.”

Heidi Ellis, PhD, a provisionally licensed counseling psychologist in Plano, Texas, often works with patients experiencing spiritual struggles. Ellis encourages patients to tune in to the meaning behind their emotions—something they may not have much practice with.

For example, patients may try to erase the guilt and shame related to negative religious experiences by performing acts of penance, or self-punishment, taught by some religions. However, no amount of penance can erase the guilt and shame if they do not address the thoughts behind those feelings. “Sitting in the discomfort and supporting patients in unpacking scary emotions helps them process these feelings in an intentional manner rather than acting out unconsciously or reactively,” Ellis said.

Emotions like guilt can also reveal what’s important to people, according to Sara Showalter Van Tongeren, LMSW, a psychotherapist in Holland, Michigan, who specializes in religious transitions (the Van Tongerens are married). One of her patients who had always tithed (a church-requested donation of 10% of a member’s in-come) struggled with guilt after leaving religion. Showalter Van Tongeren encouraged the patient to identify nonreligious organizations for charitable giving instead. The patient “found a sense of purpose in being generous in other ways and noticed that they didn’t burst into flames when they stopped giving to their church,” said Showalter Van Tongeren.

Leaving church is often the result of changing beliefs about oneself, others, and the world. Departing can be a rejection of what someone can no longer believe in, and it can be important to fill that void with a new sense of meaning. One psychological study found that people who left ultra-Orthodox Judaism were more at risk for symptoms of anxiety and depression when they continued to identify with what they’d left behind versus moving toward new meaning (David, Y., & Keller, Y., research under review).

Acting in ways that feel consistent with their identities can support positive mental health outcomes, said Daryl Van Tongeren.

Psychologists can serve as guides in supporting patients as they explore and “try on” new beliefs after leaving religion. “The goal of our work isn’t to tell people what to believe but instead to allow them to make choices for themselves,” said Anderson. Identifying new beliefs can be difficult because people leaving organized religion may not trust themselves. Further, Showalter Van Tongeren added, if someone was raised in religion during key developmental stages, such as childhood and adolescence, they may not have much experience practicing critical thinking skills—church often teaches people to accept religious dogma while strongly discouraging doubt or questioning.

Psychological research supports certain virtues and practices as key pillars for mental health and a meaningful life. For example, studies suggest altruism supports mental and physical health, along with happiness (Post, S. G., International Journal of Behavioral Medicine, Vol. 12, No. 2, 2005opens in new window). Researchers have also found awe—or being in the presence of something greater than oneself—can strengthen both the mind and body (Monroy, M., & Keltner, D., Perspectives in Psychological Science, Vol. 18, No. 2, 202opens in new window2). These virtues are often present in religious practices, which is why it can be important to help patients explore which of these values they want to use as a compass to guide their lives moving forward after leaving a particular religion. To start, Marston encourages patients to identify elements of spirituality that still feel relevant or important. “By examining what’s important to them, patients can realize that they may not believe in God anymore, but they still believe in compassion, kindness, and generosity,” said Marston.

Even after leaving a particular religion, religious ways of thinking often remain, which Daryl Van Tongeren calls “religious residue” (Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Vol. 120, No. 2, 2021). A person may still struggle with black-and-white thinking, he said, which may make it difficult to grow into a more complex view of the world. Psychologists are uniquely equipped to help.

Some psychologists use cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) to help patients identify cognitive distortions and form new ways of thinking, and as a result, support healthy behavior changes. For example, if someone constantly feels like they’re a bad person because of religious teachings about original sin, a therapist can help them reframe their thinking to reflect reality.

Marston often uses dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) to help patients develop psychological flexibility. Helping people embrace a “both/and” mindset can be useful if someone’s religious beliefs encouraged a sense of rigidity (e.g., the dichotomies of good and evil, heaven and hell, and believers and nonbelievers).

For example, Elizabeth Hoose, PsyD, a clinical psychologist in Raleigh, North Carolina, grew up adhering to the Mormon religion, which forbids drinking coffee. Though she’s left Mormonism and enjoys coffee today, Hoose still notices that a part of her feels the behavior is wrong. “DBT allows me to hold my Mormon self and my new self at the same time, even when they disagree,” she said. “I can sit with the discomfort of two different, distinct truths or values, which I try to teach in therapy as well.”

Developing distress tolerance is also key for moving forward, according to Daryl Van Tongeren. Teaching mindfulness can help encourage accepting discomfort when it accompanies uncertainty, an especially helpful skill to have when leaving behind religious beliefs. “Noticing discomfort without trying to change it can expand capacity to accept gray areas that can be destabilizing for people,” said Warren. “It doesn’t answer questions, but it puts people in a position to manage discomfort.”

Treating patients moving on from religion isn’t only about healing wounds; it’s also about helping them build a vibrant, purposeful life outside of religion. Once people identify what makes their lives meaningful, psychologists can play a role in helping them integrate these things into their lives. Acceptance and commitment therapy, for example, can help people identify where they are living out of line with their values and better incorporate meaningful experiences in their everyday lives.

Like identifying values, building a new life post-religion is a highly personalized process. If a patient was very involved with volunteering in church, a therapist can help the patient identify this as a core value and find ways to volunteer in the community instead. For patients who spent a lot of time in classes or groups studying religious texts, therapists can help them continue their love of learning, perhaps steering them to sign up for a class or book club. “As people transition their identities, they don’t have to give up what’s important to them,” said Ellis. “We can help them live it out a little differently.”

Patients may need support making changes in their lives as they identify how they want to move forward. For example, church often serves as someone’s primary source of community, so formerly religious people may not have experience making friends outside of religion or building relationships with people who have different beliefs. “In that case, I’d help with social-skill building and solution-focused problem-solving to come up with ways to form meaningful relationships,” said Showalter Van Tongeren.

Some psychologists practice in connection with churches or as part of faith organizations; however, licensing requires that psychologists prioritize support for patients over religious doctrines, prioritizing the patient’s well-being over their own beliefs, said Warren. Psychologists should also “view faith transitions like any other major life transition, whether divorce, migration, or coming out,” said Yehudis Keller, a clinical psychology graduate student at Case Western Reserve University who studies religious transitions.

Clinicians can practice cultural humility with religion just as they would with any other cultural factor, such as race, ethnicity, or gender. Learning about the patient’s religious background will help clinicians understand the ways religion may have informed a person’s identity development, relationships, beliefs about self, and mental health. “If I’m a cisgender white woman from the northeastern United States, and I am treating a nonbinary person of color from the West Coast, I need to do my due diligence to understand and work with their cultural frame in order to provide effective therapy,” said Hoose. “It’s no different with a person’s religious or spiritual identity.”

You may consider referring your patient to a therapist who specializes in treating patients who have left religion—potentially through a directory such as the Reclamation Collective—or help them to find places to tap into a community to reduce isolation. Anderson and Winell, through their organizations, the Center for Trauma Resolution and Recovery and Journey Free, respectively, offer online support groups for people who have left religion, allowing them to share their experiences with people who understand what they’ve been through. “It seems that the most powerful intervention is just to be with other people who can tell you you’re not alone, you’re not making this up, you’re not becoming an evil person,” said Winell. “People feel so much relief and healing from that.”